This year marks the second year that I enter a new year of my life without you, Wen, by my side – celebrating me and showering me with your love. It is still a day I simply cannot celebrate. How could I when you are not with me? It is not a happy day for me. How could it be when I cannot share it with you?
Instead it is a day of mourning for me.
A day of mourning.
I know many people think, expect or simply wish that it could be a happy day for me. That I would have or should have moved on enough to make that happen. But that is not the case. I cannot and will not shed my grief for this day. In fact, what I struggle immensely with this year is that for the first time in my life I will turn three years older than you. Every year on my birthday I would turn two years older than you. Three months later you would “catch up” with me on your birthday and we’d be just a year apart in age again. I was able to hold on to that illusion last year. Two years age difference still felt normal, familiar. Not so this year.
Three years age difference. You might ask why that matters. Isn’t it something silly to ruminate about? For me, it matters deeply. It matters deeply because it marks time marching forward relentlessly; each second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year taking you further away from me. It matters because for us as human beings time matters. It might not matter in the spiritual realm. But as human beings time provides us with structures for organizing our lives. So for me, every second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year spend without you, means a growing gap between the time of our together-life filled with shared experiences and wonderful memories and the now-alone-life in which I have new experiences and create new memories without you. And I resent that. That is the truth.
So, please, do not expect me to be happy on this day. To celebrate that I will be three years older now, for the first time ever, than my love.
Please understand that I mourn so much on this day.